Thoughts...

As it always turns out, I always check this but am HORRIBLE to write something. I don't exactly know why because truly, I always have a blog in my head. Literally. I get ready for work in the afternoons and think of something and then blog it... In my head. But this evening, I get off work, head home, realize I want a drink... and some soup. I, then, head to Kroger, grab what I need, and headed home I have a blog happen. In my head. When I get to the house, I grab the laptop. Now we are here.

Ahem...

You know, in my life I have settled. A lot. I would rarely ever say anything when something was wrong (with myself, food orders, ugly statements, when people help me). I usually always, in the instance of food, would just eat the wrong thing from what I wanted. One time, I went to McDonalds to get a double cheeseburger and Dr Pepper with my last two dollars to my name and they gave me a Hot-N-Spicy Chicken... I cried. Instead of going back, I cried and settled. These days, I have learned to say something. I will ve extremely nice about it but I will correct someone on food, or tell someone when they hurt my feelings or make me mad. I am very proud of myself for finally being able to do that.
Lately, it has put me in between a rock and a hard spot. In the past few months I have felt that my relationship with my boyfriend of almost five years, Jeff, has been... A little rocky. At the beginning of the year we almost split because of some truly hateful things he said. I spoke up for myself. He apologized and we worked through it. Easter, we had a rough night; after a little communication things have been good. Last night, in our first real disagreement since then, I found myself not speaking up. In the back of my mind I told myself, 'Why? It's just going to make things worse..' I went home MAD last night. After a warm bath and a little Cassie-venting, I went ahead and told him what was on my mind, how I felt, and exactly how to make it better... As of today, nothing changed. I understand, certain things cannot change overnight, however, when it is something VERY simple and I flat-out tell you what will make it better for me, the next thing is not to wallow in self pity or beg for him to change; it's time to confront. It's time to stand up for yourself, not back down, and not settle.

I have really changed as a person over the last couple of years, in our relationship and with who I am. I have seen him change, too. Some of the change has been hard for both of us but we've for the most part adapted to our 'new selves'. I feel, though, I have not changed for the better. I think I have lost sight of who I am / was. True, I am not seventeen or eighteen years old anymore but throughout everything I'm not me. I used to LOVE spending time with my family. I used to LOVE spending time with friends. I used to LOVE having spontaneous moments. I, also, used to cry and cry over something Jeff said and never say anything, just let it roll off my back. I used to leave his house and listen Jason Aldean's song "I'm Just A Man" and make excuses for how Jeff was. I used to cry and cry when he would ignore me for weeks at a time when we were off at school in San Angelo and Abilene, call me up out of the blue, drive to Abilene, let him stay with me for the weekend (as in pick him up, bring him an hour to San Angelo), pay for our food all weekend, and then drive him back on Sunday nights. I used to let him ditch me for his friends all the time and never complain. Oh wait, one Valentine's Day I did complain. I used to listen to him tell me why I needed to drive home every weekend from Sam Houston because he couldn't drive up. Who's the stupid one? Don't get me wrong, I have had my faults. While, yes, I did put up with all of that, I, also, went through a period of time where I had ZERO money. Financially, my household was Struggling with a capital S. (We evertually lost our house...) He had to pay for me often, he had to put up with me constantly calling him worrying about him. He still does. He had to put up with me hanging out with people who were not very good friends for me. He had to put up with me going places by myself because he couldn't be bothered to go (out with friends, out to eat, out to a movie, etc).
Today, his biggest complaint in our relationship is that I nag him, I am never satisfied, and I don't have a "decent job"...

This blog is to not rip Jeffrey a new one. This blog is to not throw out my dirty laundry. This blog is to not admit to abuse (that I am not stupid enough to EVER put up with, I have a shotgun and a shovel). This is to let me blow off steam. I am not the same person anymore and I am going back to that, with him or without him. I love him more than words can say but while I used to be naive and think that would always be enough, it's not anymore. I make decent money, I have no true bills other than really just helping out, I have few friends, I have a decent self esteem, I have no true psychological issues, and I have a lot faith in myself. Letting myself be lonely and settle is not what I want for myself. This is me turning over a new leaf. This is me regaining who I was. This is me letting things both roll off my back but standing up for myself. This is me getting back to the carefree, non-whining, tomboy I used to be.


Love always,
Amanda :)